You know you're in trouble when...

Some basic rules of survival for being the bad guy in a film;

1. Don't ever touch / maim / kill the hero, heroine, members of their family or friends. Ever. It will almost certainly lead to painful torture and / or death.

2. Always make sure you're henchmen have an I.Q. over 100 and a capacity to think for themselves. This should include investigating that strange noise from the shadows in teams.

3. When escaping after your diabolic scheme to rule the world has gone pear-shaped, ensure that your preferred means of escape is fueled and ready to depart.

4. If your scheme involves time-travel and / or parallel worlds, always factor in that the machine could develop an unpleasant fault such as cloning the hero or removing your existence from the time line.

5. Should any of your limbs be replaced with prosthetics, try to make them impervious to damage or at least easy to remove in an emergency.

6. Wearing some form of body-armour or other suitable clothing should ensure that you remain whole and without any bullet holes. That tropical suit might look classy, but without many pockets can leave you defenceless.

Remembering these basic rules can lead to a long and happy life without being in prison, preferably with your original limbs. On a side note, if you do happen to hurt the hero's family make sure that you have someone to take the fall for it or preferably ensure that the hero never finds out.

Try to remember that a calm and rational hero will not personally hunt you to the ends of the Earth for killing his girlfriend. Should all else fail, devise a simple means of suicide; it will be far less painful than whatever the hero can imagine for your fate.

till next time,

Alex.